Here's the thing. . .

WARNING: Scattered Post Ahead.

I think I'm ready to have a baby, at least I would like to think so. I feel like mentally I am there. Here's the thing though. My life is not ready to have a baby. I still have two more years of school and I'm working full time. I've pretty much realized that I will not be a stay-at-home mom. At first. And honestly I fully expect to be working full time while pregnant and afterwards as well. Here's the other thing I get that it would be much better for me to finish school first, but I don't think I can wait that long. Also my job is not exactly family oriented. Working every weekend plus holidays doesn't exactly scream "have a baby!"

Now, I know what you're thinking, quit your job or at least cut back your hours you idiot. While those actions are definitely on my wish list, but they are farther off than I'd like them to be. Far off as in, I don't think I can wait to have a baby that long. Not to brag or anything, but I actually make a decent amount of money. Even with sacrifices and cutting back on pleasures there still wouldn't be enough money. If I cut back hours I would lose my management position and therefore my pay. I definitely could get another job, but I'm so gosh darned good at retail it's sucked me into its vortex. When I left JCP I immediately stepped into this other job without really thinking anything other than, "holy crap, I need another job, and fast!" so I didn't really think about finding something else that was more family friendly. Since its a new job, I don't want to leave quite yet. I do realize that I need to do what is best for me and my priorities so even if that means leaving earlier than planned. Than so be it. My boss does know about my wish to have a baby and fully supports me. My job now has awesome maternity leave and I can take longer if I want with a leave of absence rather than just a few weeks.

Now here's the other thing I'm sure you have all thought about, who will watch the baby while Anthony and I are at work. If we had to Anthony could switch to nights and I would work mostly in the day. Really though I close about three times a week and have a weekday off while Anthony gets weekends off. So even if Anthony didn't switch we would only need a sitter two whole days,  plus a few here and there. I am hoping my mom would do it. I haven't really talked to her about it but she brings up wanting grand kids almost every time we see them. Which is about once a week. She offhandedly said that she would but I'm not sure how serious she was. It would be so amazing if she could/would. If she couldn't we would have to switch to opposite schedules like mentioned before and I'd really rather not. In case your wondering, Anthony's work has awesome insurance like really great. We have a flex spending account or something similar but instead of losing money at the end of the year it just rolls over and since we've only ever used it once we have quite a bit of money saved in that thing! Oh and just a side tangent, I know this is definitely not a reason to have a baby, but maybe we'd actually qualify for a grant for schooling, because currently the government thinks we make too much to need help paying for schooling. Ha! I wish.

Also I have talked to Anthony about all of these things and for the most part he agrees. He is much calmer and has a "we'll deal with it when and if it happens" attitude and I need a plan right now. Even though right now the baby is just a thought. For now all our talking has just been that talking and daydreaming about starting our family. Awhile ago we decided that this September might be a good time to start not trying to not have a baby. Anthony said that we'll start talking more about it in September and has since refused to engage in any baby making talk. So we will see. I tried to tell Anthony that I would have to meet with my doctor to get some shots so I'd rather know what he was thinking sooner rather than later as I'd rather not get shots just for fun. Specifically the peanut butter kind. So the not trying to not have a baby might not start til October and that's ok. But I really doubt Anthony can wait much longer either. He loves kids. Like volunteers to watch kids, loves kids. Everyone who knows him knows he will be a good dad.

For the most part we haven't had to much "pressure" about having kids by friends or family up until recently. The pressure mainly consists of people commenting that they would like grand kids oriw were the next ones up. Not everyone is like that though we pretty much have two sides to our baby making team. One side says you two are young why the rush? Or finish school first, by a house etc. While I definitely get their points, life doesn't happen perfectly and if we keep waiting for things to happen well never feel like we're ready. Besides how can you really ever be ready? Then there is the other side who really want us to have kids. My parents would be first time grandparents (side note: my parents are not on the same side) and I really would like my kids to meet our grandparents. Anthony and I are both missing a close grandparent and I already feel saddened they will have never met on earth. Anyways those are all things said by the other side. I have a hard time agreeing and disagreeing with both sides.

That my friends is why I started this blog. To sort out my thoughts about this huge thing. I am writing this knowing that I may have a really hard time even getting pregnant or worse what if I can't at all? For now though I am pushing those thoughts aside iuntil if and when they become relevant.

Also I typed this using my iPad so apologies file the many typos. They may never get changed.